In the past I have helped a lot you on this site and I'm hoping you guys can give me some insight. I'm at a huge crossroads. I'm going through a separation process. It started 4 months ago when I was on vacation visiting home after being away for 2 years. I have been in France since 2001. We met in the States and eventually married in 2004.
When I was visiting California for the holidays my wife informed me she wanted to tell me something important so I cut my vacation short to come back to Paris, France. She informed me she did not love me anymore and wanted to separate from me.
I was crushed and I ended up returning to the US to heal my broken wings. It hasn't been easy. I have found re-patronizing myself has been not an easy task. I had to start over from scratch. Since then I have been on my relative's couch hoping my wife will recon ciliate. It took me awhile to adjust to the US and I really came to the fact I feel out of place here. Unfortunately I am not close to my family. I dont feel at home here and feel lost. I miss France, the culture, people, the language, food, the buildings, and the daily global education I was receiving.
On the other hand I do not know too many people in France. I dont have family there and very little friends. This was sort of my fault because I did not integrate in the society, as I should have. However I speak the language fairly well. On top of that I did not have an official French job. I'm self-employed and hold an e-commerce business while pursuing my online degree. I was working from home. I will graduate this year. I was doing all this while my stay in France.
My family is telling me I should stay here (in the US) because it will be easier for me to start a new life. But my heart and mind belongs in France. I now think I am French; I prefer the people, culture, and style of living. My huge problem is that I am afraid to make this leap and go out there on my own. I'm afraid that I will isolate myself even further and mentally get worse or even fail.
I really feel that my wheels are spinning in the mud being here. My life is on hold. On top of it all I have been extremely depressed and its hard to say this to the world but I have been suicidal. I'm currently going through therapy for my loss.
When I was in France my wife did a lot of the legwork and she helped a lot on the French business part of it. Finding an apartment, documents etc. I handled everything else. We were a great team. And now I'm sure my French is well enough to get what I need.
My wife wants me wants to return to France to sign the divorce papers for the notaire. I dont have a French citizenship. I have a Titre de Sejours that permits me to work in France. I would like to return to Paris or the south of France. I realize it will extremely tough and I will be completely alone. I dont care if I have to rent a tiny hole in the wall and work at a Mac do while teaching English. I feel more at home there. But Im frightened to do it when I know I could succeed better in the US. I would like to hold my future there and hopefully raise my family there. Please advise. Im completely lost. I just want to come home but feel like Im crazy for going there.
Thanks for your time.